Depression and anxiety run in my family.
I’ve had run-ins with both here and there, but it was never so serious that I considered seeking professional help. I promised myself I would do so if it got to be a bigger problem.
It isn’t anything scary like suicidal ideations. I can get out of bed and do what I have to do. It’s just this dark, gloomy cloud that has now been over my life for over a month straight. I had one bad day a couple of weeks ago where I couldn’t stop crying.
I’m used to the occasional bad feeling. I can talk myself through it because I know there’s no reason for it. I can go for a run. I can hang out with friends and family. I can make sure I’m getting enough sleep and eating well. That’s how I managed it before.
It’s not working now. For one thing, I can’ t run for a while because of recent foot surgery. So that outlet is completely gone. I woke up sobbing after the surgery. I’ve cried easily ever since. Even having a normal conversation can lead to tears. I enjoy being with my friends and family, but that cloud is still there.
That one bad day was a combination of a big disappointment and those bad feelings. This time I couldn’t talk myself out of it. I had something very real to focus those bad feelings on, and I kept crying for hours. At least 5 hours before I felt like I could pick up the phone to make plans with friends and get out of the house.
I’ve also been dealing with anxiety while driving. I had a car accident right before my foot surgery. I hydroplaned and totaled my car. Now I have moments while driving where my heart races, my body tenses, and I feel like I can’t breathe. We’ve had a lot of windy storms lately, and the slightest shake of my new car reminds me of the accident and sets off those panicked feelings. I even dreamed that I wrecked my new car.
I’m ready for some help.
It’s not that easy. I live in a small town about an hour and a half from a big city. The yellow pages list for psychiatrists is a very small one. Several weren’t seeing new patients. Even more didn’t accept insurance. They wanted $300+ for the initial visit and $150 for each follow-up. My own primary care office kept disconnecting me while leaving me on hold to see who they use for referrals.
I finally found one to see in two weeks.
If this doesn’t work out, I guess I’m driving.