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My father and brother just returned from a trip to Colombia. They were able to go see my grandfather’s land after many, many years since the military has finally been able to rid that area of the guerrilla.
I come to work a little scared every day. I like what I’m doing, but I’m afraid of screwing up. I’ve never been someone who took a failure easily, and now that potential failure involves a human life. That fear keeps me on edge.
I know I’m new. I know I’m not alone. I work with wonderful nurses who don’t even wait for me to ask for help, but they seek me throughout the shift to make sure I’m not drowning. I work with a group of nurses who are always available to answer any question, though one jokingly keeps a tab: one nickel for each answer. Her goal is to get a Coke out of me, but she writes off my debt at the end of each day.
I hate constantly feeling like I don’t know what I’m doing. Worst is not knowing if I should be panicking. Working in telemetry, I get calls and faxes from our monitor techs frequently about my patient’s rhythms. Usually it’s just artifact or an incorrect reading. Whenever I’m not sure what I’m seeing or what to do about what I’m seeing, I show it to someone else to gauge their reaction. Then I do what they tell me to do and store that rhythm/reaction for future use.
The other day I got a print-out for a supposed run of v-tach. It definitely wasn’t v-tach, but instead a short run of widened QRS complexes. My guy was asymptomatic; all vitals stable and labs normal. I didn’t really know what to make of it, so I did what I always do. I showed the rhythm to an experienced nurse at the station and asked, “Is this something I need to do more about?” She took a look and told me not to worry about it. The next day the guy had the same run. Cardiology took a look and decided he needed an immediate pacemaker/defibrillator. I don’t write this to put any blame on the other nurse, because , ultimately, it would lie with me. Now I know, and I’ll make a call if I see such a run again. But what about the people I’m learning on? That makes me nervous.
I find it incredibly humorous when a student nurse or orientee is assigned to work with me.
It does help that I run into situations that stump my former preceptor/ now mentor with over 15 years of experience at that same unit. Logically I know that it’s impossible to know everything. However, that knowledge doesn’t diminish the lingering fear. So, I subscribe to several nursing journals and buy books on cardiac care and pharmacology, but I’m often too tired to do more than glance over a few pages. On the days I’m not working, I want to focus on other interests. Anything but nursing.
It’s the regular positive feedback from my patients, their families, and fellow nurses that keeps me going. If you work with new nurses, please tell us when we do something right. Let us know that we handled a situation well. When we’re weighed down by fears and doubts, it’s those words of praise and encouragement that help keep us afloat until we’re able to release those burdens and finally feel like a Nurse.
*** In response to a great post by Jo of Head Nurse.
